This is a post I never thought I’d write. I thought I’d be dead now. I almost paid the ultimate price for not living according to my heart. I lived as others wanted me to be. I worked hard to live up to their expectations, not my own. I wasn’t living in my own. Please read along to learn why I’ve chosen to help others create Fierce, Fearless lives for themselves.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve talked to animals, seen Spirits, felt the thoughts of others, and had several glimpses of things before they happened. Usually what I saw was a major catastrophic event. Over time, I chose to ignore the “curses” of my childhood gifts. Because I felt like a freak. Because I scared people when I spoke of seeing things before they happened. And because sometimes I was terrified of myself.
I followed the expectations of my family. I graduated at the top of my class in high school, then from a top college with a B.S. in Business Administration. Sometimes I felt that it was short for Bull Shit. Because that’s what my life was – total Bull Shit. On the outside it was perfect. I was the perfect kid, perfect student, perfect friend.
After college, I entered the corporate world. And for the next 20+ years, that’s where I lived. The perfect hard-working employee. My life looked so perfect from the outside. Successful career, strong marriage, beautiful home, and lots of ‘stuff’ we’re expected to collect in life. But this life wasn’t me. I was miserable inside. You see, being an Intuitive with “Clair” senses isn’t encouraged or desirable in the corporate world. Or in the mainstream world I lived in. Talking about these things was asking to be locked in a straightjacket and admitted to the local psych ward. I only knew how to be the person I was “trained” to be, so I shoved my true authentic self deep, deep inside.
In 2013, I awakened. It happened very unexpectedly. I was working 14+ hour days as a IT Project Manager. I was being pushed to lie to clients and withhold information. I tried to speak up from my authentic place. But I was outnumbered. Eventually, I gave up. I silenced my voice. The training from my childhood was too engrained. I didn’t fight for what was right. I’d lose the discussion and run to the ladies room to throw up. I was getting physically sick almost every day. My body had revolted. I ignored all the warnings it gave me. The physical symptoms that my work was so far out of alignment with my very essence.
In April, I suffered what I thought was a heart attack. I even called two nurse friends into a conference room to triage me. I didn’t have time to go to the doctor. There was work to be done! I did go to the doctor, and was diagnosed with an anxiety attack. What????? And meds to get me through the next 30 days of the project. I refused to take them because I knew there had to be a better way. I was not medicating myself, at least not with prescriptions. Food was my medication of choice. Because I didn’t have time to live, only to work for someone else. My inner voice was screaming. And I was ignoring it.
How can I be Dead?
Earlier that year, I had a vision of my Mom, Husband and friends at a graveside service for me. I was livid! They knew I wanted to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in a sacred place. It took me a moment to realize an important truth…. if they were having this service, it meant I had died. The program had my Death Date as May 19th, 2016. I sat stunned as it hit me. I was furious. I was sad. I was lost. The tears began to flow. There was so much I wanted to do and not enough time. I was numb. And I had no plan.
Seeing the date of your own death is a sobering experience. You begin to wonder how you can cheat death. What bargains with God/Source/Spirit can you make? How do you tell your family? Or your friends? And who’s going to believe you? What do you do with the time you have?
Then the practical stuff hit me. I knew they’d all think I was speaking figuratively. Of course, I knew better. I was clueless. And paralyzed. And terrified. I wanted to hide. I thought about running to another country. I wanted to get away from my family and friends. I didn’t want to work. It was easy to spend money on things. But things didn’t buy happiness.
This is where my ‘expectation training’ kicked in. So I kept silent. I went on auto pilot. I put on my corporate Wonder Woman mask. I had to remain in control, at least on the outside. I kept plugging away. I let others take my voice when every instinct was telling me to fight back for the customers. But the little trained voice would say “if you do, they’ll just say you’re being an emotional woman.” I told my Mom “this job will kill me if I keep it up.” I knew she thought I wasn’t really serious. And I had no idea how to change my fate. Finally, I decided it was time for radical changes.
Only I didn’t know how. I’d spent my entire life pleasing others, living up to their expectations. How was I supposed to live a life of pleasing myself? What was going to make me happy? I had absolutely NO idea! I knew it was time to leave the work I’d done for over 20 years. It was time to open my heart to other possibilities. It was time to set myself free. It was time to Be Brave.
My story will continue in the next post. Read about how I learned to be incredibly brave. And through that bravery I began the journey to find my authentic self. And now I’ve unleashed the real me. All of me.
The journey has allowed me to help others in ways I never thought possible. Because when I say I’ve been there, I have. I’m a Transformer, a Healer, an Intuitive, an Earth Goddess. And I’m on a mission to help you realize that you are enough, that you can find your voice, that you are so worthy of all you desire. You can live in alignment with your beliefs. Together we walk the path of discovery and healing. And together we find the authentic you that’s hiding deep inside. Want to learn more? I’d love to connect with you.
Bryce Goebel is the Founder of A Reiki Place and Bryce Transforms. She helps her clients create Fierce, Fearless lives, without shame, guilt or apology.